Though I’ve mentioned it here randomly a couple times, you may not know I’m a PK, a preacher’s kid, grandkid, great grandkid, and nephew of five ministers. 75% of my generation on Mom’s side are preacher’s kids. We’re a wild bunch, and more. It was recently brought to my attention by the in-house soft personnel that out of that 75%, only two have ever had a regular job. The ‘regular’ cousins? All are regular folk employees — in other words, sane. Still though, one of ‘em is the lone representative of our generation to enter the ministry. He’s now the assistant pastor at the church in which his dad, my Uncle Cork, was once Senior Deacon.
The PK cousins?
One owns a detective agency. One’s a freelance commercial photographer. Then there’s the artist/music composer dude — who moved to Nashville. The motivational speaker chick. (I”ll pay for that one if she sees it.) And it goes on. We’re a buncha independent cusses apparently. Yet when we’re together the common denominators are massive personal abuse and repeated uproarious laughter. The longer the family event lasts, the more times in the abuse barrel each of us spend. There seems to be some kinda twisted rotation in play.
Almost nothing is untouchable. One of my cousins married a Polish girl. We’ve not let up from Day 1 . She’s learned to roll with it and strike back with admirable accuracy. Even her husband, one of the most consistently funny guys you’ll ever meet, takes his turn. Our parents have resigned themselves to how brutal we are to each other, since it always, without exception has ended in raucous laughter. I’ve actually seen an uncle wince at a head to head I had once with the detective cousin.
The older generation isn’t spared totally either. I recall one Christmas fondly. One of the ‘sisters’ was hosting the event at her home. She’d obviously been on a successful diet, cuz she made a cool 1950′s movie-type entrance a the top of the stairs in her brand new Christmas dress. She came down the stairs like an actress arriving at a grand opening, her destination the largish ‘pit’ in which all the cousins were lazily lounging.
As she reached the bottom, she executed a perfect model’s turn, showing off not only her pretty new dress, but her newly svelte figure. All the girl cousins and wives cooed appropriately, showering her with compliments. As the admiration quieted down, I said, “Auntie, I’m truly impressed. You’ve lost a TON!!” Whereupon I was physically pummeled into submission by the ladies. Let it be noted that my fellow guy cousins groaned with poorly disguised laughter, but got away scott free. Sometimes there is no justice.
It was worth it, as I’m still smiling now, as I write this. 
I wanna be on record though — she did look spectacular that night. Also, nobody hosts a family get-together like she does.
Last time, at Thanksgiving, I was greeted by one cousin with, “Thanks for the crappy economy, dude.” Nothin’ like a closely knit family.
Three of us are in second marriages, me included. The acid test, and frankly maybe the best predictor of future wedded bliss, is the first time new wives/husbands are brought to one of these gatherings. It can be um, daunting if you’re on the timid side. Fortunately, over the years, all three of the new spouses have been fully vetted, ambushed, abused, and made a part of our family’s DNA. You know they’ve become one with the mob when they turn on their own spouses like jackals.
This evening’s family gathering has the potential to be memorable, even for us. My sister is hosting a Christmas dinner and ‘white elephant’ gift exchange. This has almost wicked potential as the gifts can be ‘taken’ by subsequent participants from a previous recipient. There will be raised voices, attempts at lame intimidation, much impugning of character, and assassin-like betrayals. I can’t wait.
Oh, and for the record, the gray crowd from whose loins we all sprung, aren’t exactly a buncha ‘go by the rules’ angels either. How’d'ya think we all turned out the way we did? Mom eschewed corporate life back in the 70′s with a one woman business. One of here sisters owns an art gallery. Another has been a driving force in her church’s administration since forever. One uncle is retired on the income from a seniors related business he bought and grew. Another is a retired Air Force fighter pilot. They’re all gettin’ grayer, but none of ‘em are anywhere close to boring. Trust me on that one.
I predict tonight is gonna be an E-Ticket ride. ‘Course none of the cousins would dream of bucklin’ up.
What’s your family doin’? Let us all know. Merry Christmas!!
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